Unzip the fat suit or shapewear?

Shapewear.

Do you know what that is? As my dad would say, “why would you want to wear something that prevents you from breathing?” Good point dad.

There is a conversation on facebook going on about Zaggora. Essentially these are compression workout wear that make you sweat excessively. Some reviews on the site are claim people are “melting”. But you aren’t a stick of butter – sure you feel like you are but … no.

3 fat chicks on a diet have a great piece on sweat and weight loss, go read it here. Basically they remind you or inform you that the reason you sweat is for our body to maintain a healthy body temperature. Sweat IS NOT your fat leaking out through your pores. If that was the case, I would have the smallest boobs on the planet and my legs would resemble chicken legs AND I would have loss my entire face. There is a pretty picture for you.

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When you sweat you are losing salts and minerals. It is the rehydration of liquid that will help you lose fat – not the sweat itself. So don’t forget to replenish what you lost! Be smart about it. Not replenishing is bad, bad, bad. On Fierce Friday, I am talking to 2 time Ironman Pattie Keller and she talks about her first race where she remember NOTHING about crossing the finish line and was hospitalized afterwards due to salt loss. Sweating is a serious deal not a quick weight loss option.

That is not to say shapewear is a bad thing.

As I lose weight and the skin is not as tight as it use to be – it takes time for everything to compress, tighten and lets face it…I brutalized my body to the point where as the fat leaves the wrinkles arrive. The skin just isn’t as elastic anymore. Shapewear firms it up! I bought pair of yoga pants at Costco – shapewear – the first time I put them on (27lbs ago)- it was a workout in itself. I was hot and sweaty just trying to fit all the bits in. I now wear them and I cannot believe how narrow my hips are! Sweet mother of chocolate!  THose puppies make me feel – dare I say it – SKINNY! Of course I am not. I am saggy, lumpy and incredibly muscular. Weird combo I know but you know what I mean if you are heading down the same path as me. It is like I am wearing a fat scuba suit. Unzip it and there is a chiseled goddess under there.

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*Disclaimer I do NOT consider that a fat suit. That is my dream body. One day……………

Collagen cream and shapewear are my friend. Spanx – I love you. Because of you I can wear a Clingy size 16 dress from Jones of New York and feel fabulous. I use to be a size 28. Sure I can wear the dress sans the spanx but I jiggle a bit too much for my liking. And not the good kind of sexy jiggle either.

However, I am proud of those jiggles. Hard work is paying off. I taste junk food to make sure it is worth the calories. Very few things are. My mom’s cake is, my cookies are, and Sabor Divino‘s La Donna is. But that is pretty much about it. The rest of the time, I am mindful about what goes into the mouth. Fresh real, non processed food and water. I eat less and move more. When I move I sweat. Sweating make me replenish. That is the secret. There is no quick fix to sustainable weight loss. Sorry, but that is the truth.

 

 

Mo enters the planning stage

Discrimination is one of those ugly words.

Lots of people have been victim to it. I have several times this week. Once because I am a Female. Shocking isnt it? The 21st century and my banking info wouldn’t go through because THE MAN’s info needed to be verified. Um Excuse me? I not only have a job, its call ed a career. The credit card has MY name on it and I pay for it. Well you can only imagine what the banker heard from my lips to his ears. I resolved the situation and wrote a lengthy human rights esq letter to the head of policy informing them who the Canadian Famous Five were and why they were significant in Canada’s history for females. I demanded to be recognized as a person under the law because I promised my girl she was. THIS IS CANADA, not some middle eastern country where women are still facing the struggle. I was born here, I am entitled under law and I shouldn’t have to fight for it at my freaking bank!

When I was a child I lived in Northern Communities. For those of you not in the know, it means Canada’s Arctic. There I was one of a HANDFUL of white kids. I knew I was different yet it was weird, because the aboriginals and Inuit kids always had their heads down. It was sad really.  I was the one who was different yet they felt ostracized. Shameful people!

In my classroom, I am one of 2 people who had blue eyes. Children tried to touch my eyeball because I was so different.

I get different, I get a clash a values, I understand not getting something because I do not fit the norm. I live that every day. It happened again yesterday. I had a job interview for the YMCA. It was for a supervisory position with heavy input into program planning and development. I can do it and do it often. They called me yesterday to tell me how impressed they were with me but the thought the supervisory position was too steep a learning curve for me. I might be better suit as on of the Directors and they encouraged me to apply for the position.

huh? Let me get this straight – so I did research. That is what I do when I don’t understand something. I learn about WHY.

Turns out in this hierarchy, the supervisor answers to the program led who answers to the director. Huh… So Supervisor would be too hard but Director would be awesome for me? Weird. Do you think maybe…just maybe my weight might be an issue?

This place is a fitness facility. I am not a size 6, nor an 8, however if you look at my Y membership card, I am not the same person in the picture. I don’t know who THAT girl is but she looks nothing like me. That’s how much I have changed this year. I have better cardio fitness than most people I know. You try running with this excess baggage and tell me how tired you get. Yet I can do it and do it reasonably well. My intellect wasn’t the problem, my knowledge wasn’t the problem. You can’t tell me I am not capable of being a supervisor but think director is a better fit. Director is a harder position. They OVERSEE those supervisors. The learning curve is too great as a supervisor but fine as a director. I am sorry i keep repeating myself but I need to understand this in my head.

I can’t.

I can, however, understand that I would be front and center in the facility. I would be considered a role model for Y fitness. Fat girls aren’t necessarily role models. Boys don’t prefer fat girls. Yet boys think its fine if THEY are fat and deserve a skinny girl. That makes no sense to me either. Pick the person you love based on brains, intellect and laugh factor. How much fun you have is directly proportional to the amount of success the relationship will have.

The same goes for work.

I can do the work, I am a role model for gals trying to lose weight, its hard people! I’ve been at it for a year and a half. The gym full of thin people has nothing to do with the struggle heavy people have. It takes COURAGE to be the only over weight person in a gym full of men. I am so frustrated with the world it is unbelievable to me. Many many people in my life have let me down with inconsiderate words.

I didn’t even get the satisfaction of telling them I didn’t want their job because the pay in scandalously low. I did however, have a brief pity party and thought about quitting the Y. Except that would cut off my nose to spite my face.

It did give me a resurgence to go harder. I am making meal plans for the next month and sticking with it. I already workout, drink water, quit diet coke, reduced sugar and salt to almost nothing. i am getting there. I am healthier today that I was a year ago and smarter than I was yesterday.

My nutritionist and I are working on Clean Eating meal plans. The food is delish, it’s easy to do and its REAL FOOD not chemically synthesized stuff. If you are curious about it look up Tosca Reno She was my age-ish when she stated this plan. The idea is if it is natural eat it, just make sure you get a balance in. I eat 5 meals a day.

5 you say? Sometimes 6 if it is a hungry day like that girl time or I swam 1.5 hours. A meal is different from a snack. A meal has 3 food groups a snack has 1 or 2. You can read more about it here. It encompasses everything I have been doing on my own with my nutritionist and life coach. It didn’t address emotional eating – that is another issue all together, but now that I have it under control, I think it’s easier. Food is Fuel not your therapist has been my mantra for a year. I am sure I am there.

This struggle has taught me plenty. It has shown me who the honorable people are and who are not. It has shown me to accept empathy and to give it. I am angry. This situation has shown me, that although I feel that I am finished I know I am not. More work to do still. However, it has made me super motivated today. That will help in getting the plans done and grocery lists made. I see my nutrionist this week and have I got an earful for her 🙂

 

Mo and I need to dust ourselves off

I have been in a downward spiral. Stress in my life has risen ten fold. I missed assignments for my University class, I have children that are suffering from teenage angst, I have students who have lives that break my heart on a daily basis. I have people in my life who hurt me without thinking.

Emotional Eating started to rear her ugly head.

I can recognize a crisis when I see one, it was time to call in reinforcements. I went to my dietician and had a confessional session.

I told her how I indulged in too much chocolate and red wine. I am still reeling from the Christmas reintroduction of sweets. I had gained some weight. I couldn’t fit into my skinny jeans ( for the record, they are skinny for me but fat pants to the skinny bitch who has never walked in empathy shoes of another soul. She eats children for breakfast. Karma is a beautiful thing, so I just breathe deep and recognize my efforts and place one foot in front of the other) and that alarmed me. I saw my life flash in front of me. I could go back down that road of fat and struggle or I could snap out of it and get back to work! I chose to snap out of it. It took two weeks and I was back in my skinny jeans, and they were looser than before. I did it all with food, no exercise. I haven’t been able to hit the gym because my life needs a few more hours a day lately and I am choosing sleep this time. I am a nicer person when I sleep.

Sleep brings me a cool head. I don’t spout hate to people who piss me off and I don’t emotional eat when I am not tired. Shocking revelation for me but true. I have learned to forgive people. I learned that loving people can be painful when they choose differently than you would. I learned I am like the children in my class. We are vulnerable and need a cuddle just because…

My heart is broken and I need fixing. I will start by reaching for Mo, working like a dog tomorrow and getting the homework done. Then I will pack for my fabulous trip that will lighten my heart and have me smiling from ear to ear, literally. Once I come home, I will drive west after work, not east and get to the pool. Swimming fixes me. I need that.

After I spewed all this to my dietician, I said to her “I need to know where to cut out more food. It doesn’t feel like I am making progress. I understand it is process and I am getting there.”

She looked at me thoughtfully and spoke, “You are there. It is a journey. You have emotional eating under control. You recognize it and face it. You understand that emotions must be felt, not numbed. Face them, let the wash over you. Once they leave then you can begin to heal. Numbing them with food isn’t what you want to choose any more. You said so yourself. You learned that feelings are more important than sweets. You like feeling strong. You are THERE. It is just a long road. It is a life time journey. But you made it.”

I sat there staring at her. HOLY SHIT she was right. I made it. The weight is coming off in its own good time. I am kind to myself. I am living in the moment. Sure it sucks. But feeling it is better than eating it. I am right where I need to be so I better stand up, brush myself off and start setting some new goals.

I cannot say this enough, I am SO grateful for the women in my life. They say what I need to hear without me asking for it.

Thank you Barb

Thank you Ada

Thank you Desi

Thank you Melanie

 

It’s Fun To Stay at the YMCA with Mo

Mo and I have made progress! I visited my NP tonight and handed over all my homework. This was my third visit to her and not one have we discussed portions, types of food, or just plain old food. Yet I am making progress. How you ask? Well, this isn’t a diet, so the need for food counsel isn’t there. Let me tell you about my homework.

I was given a sheet of paper that had 100 or so emotions listed on it. We had previously determined that I am an emotional eater. No brainer there, I knew that going in. What I wasn’t aware of is how often I am an emotional eater, when I choose to do it and what triggers it. That was the homework over the last two weeks.

The premise was every time I felt like eating a “non positive food choice” I was to put a check mark IN FRONT of the appropriate emotion on the chart. Then I was to eat the food and wait five minutes. I then needed to go back to the chart and place a check mark BEHIND the appropriate emotion. The results surprised me.

Apparently when I am stressed, angry, left to feel unimportant, frustrated I will emotional eat things like cookies, chocolate, chips, crackers, etc…All given a “poor food choice” label by me. After I waited five minutes I felt guilty or angry because I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that food because I was now aware of what I was doing. But that was not the homework. So I needed to let that go. The real feeling was serene. After I ate food I felt serene. HOLY CRAP!

The next big eye opener was WHEN I chose to do this. It tended to be right after work. Either the stresses of the day from work would trigger it or the stress of my family coming at me without have any down time. This was also a HOLY CRAP moment.

I thought about this for a long time. I knew I wanted to start swimming again. I knew after work was a big stress point in my life. So, I decided I needed behaviour modification. I went to the YMCA and bought a membership. I now go swimming after work. This accomplishes two things. I can unwind and de-stress before I see my family. I get my exercise in, and I am sleeping better.

I have started to notice my clothes are looser. People have started commenting too. I told my NP this. She asked if I wanted to weigh myself. I said no. It is not about a number. To be successful, this needs to be a lifestyle change. So does it matter how much I loose? nope! Does it matter if I know my BMI? NOPE! Does it matter if I keep this up for ever? YES! So far it has been fairly easy. I make small changes every week. Nothing huge. It needs to be gradual. Do I deny myself anything? No. Understanding when, what and how in regards to my emotional eating has made a big difference.

The good news is I need a new bathing suit – one that fits smaller. Mo can have my big one.

Hey Mo, Pass Me a Tissue

Mo and I walked into the clinic today and I met my NP. Her energy amazed me. I immediately found her to be comforting, not in a fake I’m done my job way, but a real and genuine mean what I say kind of way. I liked her right off the bat.

I sat in her office, admired her Mac, and away we went. I did notice I wasn’t my usual self. Cautious maybe. She asked me questions. If anyone else asked me those same questions, my shields would be up and I could answer them honestly and WITHOUT emotion. With her, I answered them honestly but FILLED with emotion. I could not believe how it made me want to cry. I held back a little, but when I reached my car it was a full on sob. Not even sure why I was crying, it just came out.

I shared with her a little bit of my inner journey and my Edmonton Tourist Blog. I knew about the book Women Food and God. I have read it and I think I need to read it again. I She read me an article from O magazine about the book that made me cry because it’s all true. My issue with self isn’t about how I look or what I weigh. It hasn’t been that for a long time. I have accepted my self. I am what I am.

Then why am I here doing all this? I told her what I believe. My outside no longer matches my inside. They need to even up.

I did a depression screen. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I have fought through depression since I was a teen. My first marriage I was on Prozac, when I should have been not married in the first place. That would have saved a lot of heart ache and time. Should of, Could of, Would of.

I am being referred for a mental health screen. Then I will get hooked up for which ever services I need. I know how that works, I refer people all the time in my day job. It’s weird being on the other side. Maybe this will make me better at my job. It certainly won’t hurt.

I was told by a psychic bus driver today, I can take what ever is thrown at me and roll with it. Well, I am about to find out what I am made of. Facing inner demons and truths about yourself is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Here we go, Me and Mo.

Just Me and Mo – getting the ball rolling

I have battled weight and self-esteem issues my whole life. Who doesn’t? Such is human nature – the self-esteem issues. It has nothing to do with my parents – they are amazing. Parents do the best the can with the knowledge and tools they have at their disposal. If you disagree, then obviously you are not a parent. You can try to imagine what it is like, you can empathize but you will never truly appreciate what it is like. Self-esteem issues arise from many outside sources. Peers, media, mentors, teachers, strangers, friends and family. Why are some people just mean?

I am at the point in my life where I genuinely like who I am. I have strong values and beliefs. I want many things but I need very few. For me to move onto the next next stage of my life’s progression, I believe I need to tackle my health before it tackles me. Not that long ago I had a conversation with a gal who is an angel. During that conversation I had a strong sense that my life would be finished at the age of 52. That is 9 years from now. Finished can mean many things. That could be the end of my second Act and move me towards the third Act. Or it could mean that is it – meet St. Peter at the gate.

The reality for me is I am massively over weight. I know it. There is no need for you to say – WOW are you ever FAT! Oh really? I hadn’t noticed. There is also no need for you to say, you should lose weight. Oh Really? You think I want to look this way? Do you really think that by stop putting food in my mouth I could solve all my weight problems? Let’s look at this more closely, shall we?

1> Food is an essential part of living. Without it you die. Cold Turkey is not an effective way to lose pounds. It causes death. When you quit smoking, Cold Turkey will not kill you. In fact it may prolong your life. So just “stop” eating isn’t that simple.

2> Go on a diet. Dieting is not the answer. I’ve been there done that. Will power has nothing to do with it. It is a FACT that you body does not want you to lose weight, it thinks you are trying to kill it. So as soon as you stray from your strict diet – your body will shut down. It wants you to put the weight back on. The will to live in stong in every single molecule on earth, but extra strong in fat cells. Don’t believe me? Check out the Capital Health website in Edmonton.

3> Motivation isn’t the problem. Tempting me with a new outfit or paying me money to lose weight won’t help. I cannot lose weight for you. Everyone goes through this journey on their own. You don’t like to look at me? Then look some where else. This is not about punishing you. Quite frankly, it isn’t about you so stop thinking so much about yourself.

4> I can’t do it alone. But telling me not to put that food in my mouth is not helpful. Telling me to move more, also not helpful.

5> I suspect some sort of oral sensitivity. I am not hungry but my mouth is. It’s weird I know. But some of you know what I mean. I think it is why people smoke. I may need OT support. That is an option.

6> I know I am an emotional eater. Stress, anger, unhappy – all reasons I eat. I need psychological support. Also an option.

On December 30, 2010 I phoned my doctor and asked for a referral to the Weight Wise Clinic here in Edmonton. My appointment is Tuesday January 4 at 6:20 PM. I heard about it through the most amazing and inspirational email I have ever received. It was from a gal I know – I won’t disclose more then that. You may or may not know who I am talking about. But if she wants to blog about it then she can – that’s up to her. But if she reads this ever….Thank you I love you 🙂

She told me all about it. The program is to work on a healthier me. I really am not caring about my size as much as I am caring about my joints and my heart and my pancreas. I won’t lie, I want to shop at Joe and get cheap clothes that look great, who doesn’t? I want to buy designer clothes too. Who doesn’t? If that never happens, so be it.

I also am going to start swimming again. I love to swim and I am good at it. The plan is to go after work before I get home. We will see how that works out.

It is my hope that I will be still working on this blog one year from now. I am not sure how often I will write on Me and Mo, or how much I will need too. It doesn’t matter, I’m not out for stats on this one! I know how stuff like this works. I know if I don’t make it the world won’t end. But I am done. I need to change. The person I have become doesn’t fit inside this body any more.

On to the next phase of my life, just me and mo(mentum)

momentum….