Self talk can make you or break you.
As I headed out for my run today, I had to small goals in mind. 1) run past the creek to the south side of suburbia and 2) No walk brakes except for my warm up and cool down.
I like to run without noise in my head but on cold days its hard. The thoughts that keep coming back to me are negative abusive ones. I would NEVER say things to another human being that I say to myself! So Why am I abusing myself? I call my self names, berate me, shame me and self-sabotage myself. Why? Human Nature?
Today I decided to make an effort to turn that self talk around. I stopped myself from the name calling and started using positive talk. It started having some really good side effects, like head up, smiling, feeling good and steady breathing. Once I got to the creek I had run farther than ever before without stopping AND without knee pain. Both huge gains in my book! But then that negative self-talk started again.
As I was running down the steep incline I was really worried about falling and screwing up all the progress my knee has made over the past 2.5 years (NEVER EVER TEAR YOU MCL Seriously! Get a different injury) I began talking myself through it, warning myself to watch my footing. It was really icy. Once I made it to the bridge I relaxed a bit. It surprised me how tense I became. I could hear the water moving under the ice – Spring? HAHAHA no… that won’t happen for another couple of months.
I kept running as I began the incline on the other side. I had it in my head I would run 2.5k south and 2.5 back north, with no stopping and treat myself to a steamy hot shower, because did I mention how cold it was? Well, I made it halfway up the hill before the negative self-talk started again. “You are so slow, walkers are passing you. Run your race pace. Who are we kidding THIS IS the race pace.” I made it to the top without stopping and ran a bit further but the knee was burning so I walked it off for about a minute.
Huge disappointment engulfed me.
I thought about my dad and figured I would have to let him run ahead of me during the 10k. He doesn’t want to be last. No problem there, as long as I am in the race he will never be last. I looked at my Garmin and I had run without stopping until this past minute. I decided to run to my turn-around point and head back through the creek. When I hit the other side of the creek I ran focusing on one step at a time. Then the burn came back. I stopped and walked it off. Frustration was going to be my pal today. Clearly hills are bothersome to my knee. That means I need to go back to the resistant band and beef up some of my exercises that I have been lazy with. I need that pain free strength to stay for the long term. By the time I reached the top of the hill and the path leveled out, I started to run again. The lungs felt great and on the level path my knees didn’t complain.
Yet all I could think about was I only met one of my goals today. I couldn’t even let myself be happy for me. Usually I celebrate my small successes by fist pumping or telling my self ‘well done!” But today all I could think was “your race pace needs work.”
The bottom line is I have OVER 3 months until my race. I know I need to get some more miles in, but perhaps I will avoid the creek for a while. Inclines are fine but steep inclines are a problem. I will give it another shot tomorrow and turn right at the creek and run along side it. That way I can likely meet my two goals and cheer. I am hoping by spring my knee will be able to withstand some hill repeats (not that I am excited about those but I need it to get faster) I don’t want to disappoint my dad. I don’t mean to make him sound like an ogre because he isn’t. My dad is awesome, but I know the pace he runs at and I want to keep up with him, not the other way around. So I suppose I don’t want to disappoint myself.
The solution? Rain, Shine, or blizzard I have to run. Luckily, I want to run.
Canadian Graffiti on my bench “Conformity Happiness” – I’ll get the happiness thing figured out.
- 10k Training Plan: Week 2 (justyouraverageathlete.wordpress.com)
- Lesson Plan for Runners (tirisulayoga.wordpress.com)
- Self-talk (thepadre10.wordpress.com)