No one told me THAT would happen!!

I have a secret that no one talks about.

When you lose a lot of weight, and I mean A LOT, your skin doesn’t spring back into place.

You know all those photos for people in bikinis with tight skin in their ‘after’ photos…yeah, about that…

So we all know what I have been doing since January 1, 2011. I have been living my life in a different manner. I began ‘lifestyle’ change not a diet. This is me before:

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That is over 100lbs ago – about 107.8lbs to be precise.

As I lost weight, it was like my body was melting from the top down. I still have a giant ass and legs, but the weight on top left first. Weird. I noticed things like, rings falling off, my cheeks didn’t obstruct my vision, shoes got too big and underwear would slide down my hips as I walked. I couldn’t visually see me change, except I found my collar bone.

I could sit in theatre seats, I didn’t need seat belt extensions for the airplane, my kids could walk past me in the pantry, I use to have to move out of the way so they could enter.

As the weight continued to disappear, I noticed something else. My skin stayed where it was and didn’t leave. Think about that. Lose a person the size of my 16 year old daughter and the skin doesn’t spring back. Skin is heavy.

I talked to me Nurse about this issue…was there a cream? Was there more time needed? What did I need to do?

She said something very shocking to me.

Plastic Surgery.

Whaaaaaaaaa??????

What the hell man! I do this the hard way, no surgery, no lypo, no bariatric and you expect me to cut off my skin? How is THAT even fair??

I had a preconceived notion that plastic surgery meant vanity.

It does to some people. I talked to my doctor about it. Skin removal would ease the strain on my neck and back. I would be able to move more freely. I would be able to see the change and keep moving forward because honestly, I am only half way in my weight loss goal. He talked to me about a plastics surgeon that only works with people who have lost weight and have been able to maintain the weightless for over 2 years. The candidate cannot be on a fad diet nor can they be yoyoers. They must be healthy and fit to meet these requirements.

I thought about it for a while.

This was a big change. People don’t really understand. I was at the point where I could easily give up and go back to my old ways. Removing skin was for me, a bigger change than I had anticipated. It not only meant physically changing my body, but it mentally implied that I was ready to move forward and keep going. My long term commitment was still not over. I would have a lifetime of thinking of food as a battle. I never could relax for a moment. Kind of like a person with a drug or alcohol addiction. It is always there in the background, never leaving you. Removing skin was going to be me saying to my body – I let you down, but I never will again.

I was asked to be put on the list.

2 years later, the surgeon calls me for a consult.

Took you long enough pal.

I figured a year because I needed to maintain or keep losing…I had done just that. I kept moving forward and waited a really long time for this moment.

I entered his office on clinic morning and an entourage of interns and resident docs paraded behind him. I was asked to remove my clothes and stand in front of the gang while they poked, tugged, lifted, made inappropriate comments.

First I said no – there is too many people here and this is weird. Get out. They all left but the Resident – she was lovely and had great bedside manner, a gift that will be beat out of her as her tenure for surgery continues – and my Doc. He kept saying “these are crazy nipples” I smacked his hand and said “DUDE I am standing RIGHT HERE and can hear everything you say!”

He apologized and from that moment on, we had a good relationship. He agreed to my surgery saying I was an excellent candidate and I needed to get on another wait list….WTF?

Another list?

So I called his office where is staff were lovely, kind and compassionate. I was asked to go on the cancellation list.

Then I waited.

less than one month later I get the call : So….how’s 3 days from now?

Ummmm….yes??? Maybe???

Things that crossed my mind:

  • I can’t leave work, we are short staffed
  • I can’t leave work because I took on the extra to help out my boss
  • I can’t because I am running races this summer
  • I can’t because I am scared

Then I cried.

I went into my bosses office and asked to speak privately. I have this issue with thinking in my brain before getting the entire story out so I began the conversation with, “so I guess I have to say no but…”

He panicked and said “No TO WHAT??”

I told him about the surgery.

At that point I was prepared to quit. I didn’t want to because I respect him too much and I couldn’t do that to the team, but I was willing to.

He told me to do it and not to worry about a thing. He organized everything and I left that weekend feeling relaxed and able to put work behind me.

Step one to a successful surgery : Zero Stress

Step two: be fit

Step three: eat protein

My the third day I was laying in Day Surgery at the Lois Hole Women’s Hospital starving to death. No food or water since 11:30 the night before.

I have this great ability to sleep anytime/anywhere – so I did.

Then they took me up to the operating theatre where they drew all over me in sharpie in (including a happy face for me later) obviously the doc cut along the lines.

I woke up 2 hours later and wanted to eat. They said I would be nauseous  – nope – food please.

Here is what I discovered:

  • my fitness level made my recovery fast and effortless.
  • my core strength made moving in and out of bed a breeze
  • the nurse was worried about my blood pressure and resting heart rate. Apparently it was too low for someone my size (64 people! that is awesome) I told her I just ran a half marathon, I am a runner – suck it.
  • I was also asked about diabetes – I lost 100lbs and I run – suck it
  • My blood work showed my cholesterol was normal – again runner!!! Suck it and I eat healthy.
  • Size discrimination is rampant

Here I sit, 5 days later – I nap frequently because surgery makes me sleepy and they cut off 6.8 lbs of skin people!!! Walking to the car, I noticed my neck and back felt fantastic! The weight was gone. Now if only the potholes would leave I would be a happy camper!

I am glad I did it. I look so different, feel fantastic and really need to run – but that is still 3 weeks away. I feel like I am on a really long taper.

The next phase will be the panelectomy  – the saggy skin that hangs low past my belly – I can’t WAIT for that one!

Meanwhile, I really feel like I am over the hill that was holding me back. Onwards and upwards and did you know that bras come WITHOUT industrial harnesses? AND in pretty colours?? Neither did I!

Me yesterday: My sister and I comparing chest sizes after I go from an I to a D – I still win 🙂

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That day I became became my own hero

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I did some things in the last 30 days that really amazed me.

  1. I took over the primary spot of managing at work, although temporary, I never excepted to be in this position. I have learned more about myself in a few shorts weeks than I thought possible. University was right, I am capable of so much more than I believed. It is a wonderful feeling to have the complete faith of those around you. I never had that in a work situation before. I like it.
  2. I fitness level is at a level that I didn’t believe to be possible and STILL carry around this kind of weight. I didn’t really train for the Calgary Half Marathon. The Trusty Steed tried to talk me out of running the half. saying I need to be careful, I might injure myself, I really need to evaluate the effects of recovery….blah, blah, blah….We have had this conversation before. I now just ignore him and do what I believe I am capable of. It’s not like I had never done a half marathon before. It wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how far it was, I respected the distance AND I know about the best ways to reach optimum recovery for me. I ran it, and I never felt better during a half marathon. Never – EVER. I recovered right away and went to work the next day and stood on my feet ALL DAMN DAY. You know something? I have the medal to show for my accomplishment. I feel more proud of this medal than any other I have earned.
  3. I have always been afraid a body modification. The thing about weight loss that no one talks about is the extra skin that doesn’t spring back into place. I have people tell me that they had no trouble. Well, I am will to bet they didn’t 100lbs+. If their skin bounced back, I am super excited for them! Way to go! It is AWESOME that you loo and feel great! That didn’t happen for me. I am at the point of no longer seeing my progress. The more weight I loose, the same way I look. It is kind of discouraging. I talked to my Nurse at Weight Wise and she suggested Skin Removal. It isn’t for the feint of heart. I talked to my Doc and he referred me a Plastic Surgeon who specializes in procedures BECAUSE of weight loss. He won’t even talk to you if you are a yoyo dieter or a fad dieter or haven’t kept the weight off for years. I qualified. I had round one of 3 treatments. Let me tell you, after going through the first phase, I CANNOT WAIT for the second phase!!!

There you have it, 3 things that I did that amazed me. Each one will get their own special entry here on The Edmonton Tourist and here on Me and Mo. Stay tuned because we both know how I like to share crappy stuff that happens to me and then I turn it into lemonade – or Dole Whips because Dole Whips are better than Lemonade.

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Lifestyle or Bariatric Surgery Mo?

Obesity Campaign Poster

Obesity Campaign Poster (Photo credit: Pressbound)

The time has come for me to make a decision. My deadline is April 9th, 2013.

I am part of the Alberta Health Services Weight Wise program. It is a program to help over weight (obese – worst word in the world) people figure out their eating issues and lose weight to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I have been going to the clinic since November but have been working on this for two years. My team consists of my Doctor, Nurse, Dietician, kinesiologist and the Doctor at the clinic,psychologist, group therapist and surgeon. I have met with everyone but the surgeon because I am not sure about that yet. All of this is paid for by Alberta Health Care as preventative medicine. By getting my body healthy, I save the system cash down the road. I am no longer a candidate for Diabetes, heart disease  stroke or other problems associated with obesity. I am 80lbs lighter thank you very much and 9 of those lbs are from the last couple of weeks. So it is all good on the health front.

The program consists of 9 modules specifically designed to help you understand how food works for you and gives you strategies to overcome major problems. For example, there is a /dinning out module that teaches you about choices, strategy and techniques to use so you can make better choices and avoid bingeing or the “all or nothing” technique. The bottom line is there is not a magic formula to help you lose weight. Most people who are overweight use food in the same way smokers, alcoholics and drug addicts use their substance of choice. The difference is you can’t go cold turkey with food – you will die. That sucks.

After I did the modules, I learned about physical fitness. Physical activity will not lose the weight for you. You need to reduce the calories as well. Lean muscle will burn calories while you are at rest – so that is one of the reasons to engage in physical activity but not the only one. There are a ton of health benefits and trust me, it takes a long time before you start seeing them so keep at it, I promise you it is worth it in the end. Your body will begin to crave the activity of choice. Today is a scheduled rest day, but my body wants to run. I am not letting it because I need to increase my distance tomorrow and I do better after a day of rest.

Once I met with my dietician today, we talked about how I am STARVING before dinner. So we made plans to up my protein levels for lunch and then add protein to my afternoon snack. I need 60-80 grams of protein daily. You need a different amount. Don’t guess, go see a dietician. Worth every moment. We also talked about the BIG DECISION!

I need to decide which path I am going down by my next visit. Do I want Bariatric surgery OR maintain the Lifestyle program.

I didn’t know for a long time.

Bariatric surgey isn’t a quick fix or a cure. It is another tool I can use to change the way I eat, however, the changes are drastic.

1. No carbonated beverages EVER

2. No fluid intake and food intake at the same time – 30 minutes apart

3. Tiny portions – 1 cup of food

4. Bread must be toasted, not fresh from the oven.

These are FOREVER.

I like beer – it’s carbonated. Could I give it up? Yes.

I like wine with my dinner. Could I give it up? Yes.

I like big portions. Could I give it up? Yes and Have already! Yeah me!

I like fresh bread. Could I give it up? Yes, but I don’t want to.

Lifestyle change means, keeping up the work I am doing. Track my food, make smart choices, think about if the calories I put into my mouth are worth it and keep going with the physical exercise. I have already lost 80lbs and am shooting for 10-20% of my total mass. Doable? YES. Do I think I can do it? Absolutely, in fact I AM doing it.

I have made my decision. I am not going to have surgery. Does this mean they will kick me out of the program? No, I will just take the other path, the lifestyle path. Then they will teach me how to maintain my weight.

The bottom line is, surgery is serious. It is a BIG DEAL. I am capable of doing this without it, so I will continue along my journey to health. Making changes that become habit that will lead to forever.

I’ve got this.

Estoy Listo Mo

I have a great facebook friend who hails from Buenos Aires, Argentina. He serenaded me on my birthday and tags in in goofy pictures. We share a love of insane and vintage animation. Today he tagged me in a picture of a pup focusing on the ball. It said Estoy Listo. That’s right, Spanish. I have very poor Spanish and I realize by putting an O on the end of English words does not make Spanish folk understand me better (Take note Amazing Race participants!). Estoy Listo translates – or I hope it translates to “I’m Ready”.

I am ready.

Ready for what? Lots of things! I crave change in a big way. I put my money where my mouth is. I want change so I make it happen.

  1. I wanted to run – so I now run
  2. I wanted my degree – so now I am enrolled for my final year
  3. I wanted a new job – I had 8, count them 8! job interviews and 2 of them called me back for multiple interviews just to tease me and get my hopes up. Yet here I am, back at the same old same old…I am making an attempt to move forward and change. Yet I made some changes in the work place already. People heard NO an awful lot from my mouth this week.
  4. I wanted to quit diet coke – and did it.
  5. I want the outside me to match the awesome and fabulous inside me, so I eat less and move more. I have a team of professionals that help me move in that direction.

Speaking of my team, we decided it was time to take the next step. I was refereed to Weight Wise. I will likely undergo surgery if I am a good candidate. Lap-band – or something similar. I have hit a major wall since last fall. I have not met my weight-loss goal and am frustrated about it. They asked for blood work. I had just had a ton of work done and we discovered a few things. I am not a good candidate for this program. I do not have high blood pressure. I do not have diabetes. I do not have high or bad cholesterol. I am healthy AND fit. You can’t tell by looking at me which PISSES ME OFF…stupid metabolism that has been destroyed from years of abuse. Yet one of the reasons I am in is because I suffer from on again off again depression, and I think I was discriminated against for a job due to my weight. If they had done a fitness test, I would have got it. But judgy people look at the outside. You know who you are you judgy people. I am looking at YOU and judging right back – only I am judging your character… far worse on my books to have lack strength of character.

Steve from Central services called me and booked me in for November 7th. The Alberta Government is footing the bill because apparently this will save them money in the long run. Thank you health care system! I feel renewed and not alone. I would like to offer some tips for those of you who have always been thin-ish and don’t workout to maintain a healthy lifestyle. You people don’t understand the struggle with food, yet that is ironic because you completely understand struggle with SOMETHING, you just lack empathy.

Things that are not helpful

  1. Do not tell someone they shouldn’t eat something. That just gets us mad. Guilt doesn’t work. Put your superior nose somewhere else because we just judged you right back for being a douche bag.
  2. offering to share our dessert and then eating most of it is selfish, it is not helping. Ordering no dessert and looking at us with disapproval makes us want to stab you in the eye with a fork.
  3. Hugging us and sneaking in a measure with your hands..not cool
  4. offering a cash incentive to lose weight, makes us feel like you don’t love and care about us. We figure you just want someone to look good next to you. AGAIN  – that makes me judge your character.
  5. Doing these things to a child or teen will set them up to be an emotional eater for LIFE with the side benefits of weight struggle FOREVER. Now how do you feel that you have discovered you are a contributor?

What you can do:

  1. show unconditional love – hard when you are a judgy person. Do the work, learn how and stop kicking puppies.
  2. make a lifestyle change yourself. Quit something hard. Start working out. Eat better – you need to. The inside you also doesn’t match the outside you – check your blood work.
  3. Never say or imply that a goal cannot be met. This happened to my while I was training for the half marathon. I still harbor ill feelings and can’t trust that person. I don’t share my goals nor my success with them. This hurts them more than me. I needed to for protection. So THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Now what do I need to do before my big appointment? Well… I need to keep doing what I am doing! Run every other day, swim every other day, eat more vegetables and less starch. Get enough sleep. Drink plenty of water. Journal my food – HATE THIS but it is a necessary evil.

Lastly, cut mean and un-supportive people out of my daily life. I wish I didn’t have to because for some reason I really like you in it even though your actions are judgy and mean.

This next journey is for me and Mo, not you. Estoy Listo. Later Mater…

 

Facing the Fear because I’ve seemed to have lost Mo

I have made the decision to move forward and enter the next phase of weight-loss. I was hoping I could do it without this step but I have been stagnant since December. True I have not put in the workouts I did last year, but the point is eat less move more. Not Eat less and run 3 hours a day. I just don’t have the time for Half Marathon Training this year.

I am suffering from respiratory ailments lately and this has stopped my workouts. I am out of breath just unloading the dishwasher, so my hopes of running and swimming regularly are on hold.

I talked to my life coach a few weeks ago and we decided to put my name forward for the Weight Wise program here in Edmonton. I was advised on my prospects for entering this program. It doesn’t look good. I have gone through the modules, made changes to my life that have now become habit and normal. I honestly cannot see my life without fitness anymore. But to enter the hospital’s program, I need to be more severe than I am. The fact is, according to the bazillion tests I just went through, I am to healthy to be accepted. Weird. All the factors that put obese people at risk for health issues do not seem to be on my radar. I have blood sugars under control, cholesterol levels are excellent and blood pressure is great.

I need to see this as great news, yet I feel deflated. My metabolism is wacky and there is just not a good fix for this. I have a physical tomorrow with my physician. I am fine about the entire thing except I have anxiety about stepping on the scale. It always makes me feel like a failure. I didn’t want this quest to healthy life to be about a number, yet the health care system needs that information.

Frustration has reached paramount levels. I feel like crying.

So here is me taking the next step – facing the Doc and scales and sucking it up. No one ever said this was going to be an easy journey – and they were right, it’s not. It has been life changing and anything worthwhile typically is hard. I  will get there, scared or not, I will do this. I’ve come to far to stop now.

Time to face my fears…again.

 

Me and Mo Made it!

I year ago today I made a commitment to have the outside me match the inside me. One year later I am still going strong! I must admit, I was a bit nervous about seeing it through. Past experience has taught me weight loss is HARD. It is about fighting with natural urges against your body. I was talking with a friend yesterday who asked me if I like bagels…hell to the YEAH! But I replied that I don’t eat them any more. I gave up a lot of comfort food this year. Do I miss it? Yes and no. I have reached the point in my life changes strategies where I don’t deny myself the yummies I want, however, I do measure it against the emotion of wanting it. I now stop and think about why I am wanting the food of choice. Usually it is because i am experiencing some sort of emotion. Food is still the nurturing component in which I seek comfort. Sad, but true. I am not sure if this is ever something that will change. I do not think I have moved far enough along in my journey to determine that.

This past holiday season, I let loose. I gave into the celebration aspect of food and drink. Sugar was a big one. It is in everything, including the wine I enjoyed endlessly. I did practice moderation, and knew when it was my mouth wanting and not my hunger pains. The next month will be a hard one for me. I need to detoxify my body once again. Say no to the heaps of sugar my body was allowed to enjoy again. I had reached the point where I no longer craved sugar. Suddenly, because of indulgence, my body is addicted once more. Or perhaps it just remembers the addiction that has always been present. Starting today, I say good bye to sweets on a regular basis, partly because there are none left in the house, and partly because my body feels sluggish again. I am hitting the pool with a renewed vigor, and will continue with my running goals. This is going to be the year where I run 5km without stopping.

I look at last years weight loss with pride. I am excited about this years possibilities. I do not expect to loose another 65lbs this year. I am shooting for 1lb a week. My health team thinks that is reasonable with the understanding that I will plateau and it will be hard. The number isn’t the goal, the feeling it. I like feeling strong. I have strengthened my knee to the point where climbing bleachers and ladders no longer pains me (it has been a long recovery from my torn MCL) I enjoy the feeling of muscles lengthening and growing strong. I love how I sleep better and crave fruit. The benefits of healthy living far out weigh the desire of sugar. I figure I have 2 maybe 3 more years of this before I can be on a maintenance program with my dietician.

I am not ruling out the possibility of banding, but I do hope I am able to have another successful year. I read this blog this morning I read Broadside a lot. I enjoy her point of view. I must admit there is some truth to her feelings of self denial. Yet I no longer feel as if I am denying myself. I suppose that is the truth of life change. I have when I want, but only if it is not supporting bad behaviour or emotional breakdown. I have been to enough counselling and have enough strategies in place to combat those emotions. Broadside made reference to a study by The New England Journal of Medicine. The study focuses on Long-Term Persistence of Hormonal Adaptations to Weight Loss. I can’t say it surprises me. It does offer support for those people in your life who don’t understand. Send them THIS journal study and tell them to stick it. Or be polite, the choice is yours. I no longer let the reactions of others regarding my weight  disturb me. They have no idea what it is like, nor are they trying to be empathetic. It is my option to dismiss them and my choice to be heathy. I would wager a guess I would win any fitness test, cholesterol test, food knowledge test in any competition against the. But that is not the point. I am not doing this for anyone but me. If others benefit, great! I now love me enough to do this for me.  A HUGE improvement over last year. Now I know, instead of wonder, I will still be writing/vlogging about my journey with Mo. She is the ONE person who has not disappointed me with her behaviour towards me. With Mo’s support, I will make the leap into forever.

I have a Chronic Condition

I have been busily attending my Weight Wise modules this summer. I seem to learn something new every time I go. That is a positive thing, right?  Sure? I don’t enjoy going all that much. It takes up an entire afternoon or evening and lately it has been filled with people who are so negative that I wanted to scream “YOU WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT! GIVE UP NOW!” only so I could be spared the “I tried that, it doesn’t work” spiel. The bottom line is, EAT LESS MOVE MORE. Sure I have learned you must eat ALL your projected calories for the day. Your body doesn’t want to feel like you are starving it. So EAT! You only get so many, so enjoy it!

The other thing I learned, and this is likely the most important thing I have learned, Obesity is a CHRONIC disease. Chronic, that is a scary word.

Chronic

Of long duration and slow progression. Illnesses that are chronic develop slowly over time, and do not end. Symptoms may be continual or intermittent, but the patient usually has the condition for life.
Holy Crap Mo, this means one day we cannot just eat what ever we feel like. We must ALWAYS be vigilant and monitor the intake and output. Deep down I always knew that I suppose. I use to envy thin people and their eating habits until I met a gal I work with. She is 5’10” and is a size 8. She runs 5km everyday. She has been thin all her life. Fit is actually what she is. I watched her over the course of the year and learned a lot of great things from her. She eats more vegetables than any other food. Funny thing is, I learned that at Weight Wise. She records her daily intake and asks herself if she could have done better food wise that day. Funny thing is, I learned that at weight wise too. She checks to make sure she gets enough vitamins and minerals, checks her levels of proteins and carbs, and worries about putting food in her mouth without thinking about it. These are things I have also learned at Weight Wise. Hmmmmm
Interestingly enough, there was a time when I assumed it was easy for her.  Just to be thin and gorgeous with no effort.
Everything worthwhile takes effort. This is true for Education, Spirituality, Socialization, Family, and now I understand, health fits into that.
I walked my second 18km today. In three weeks I will be finishing the Edmonton Derby 1/2 Marathon. I will weigh myself one week before, on my birthday. I think by the size of my clothes I have lost around 60lbs this year. It was worth while and it took effort. 8 months ago, I asked myself if this is what I wanted. I said yes. I learned that if you want something it takes work and effort. So, I applied work and effort. It is paying off. I need to decide if I am moving forward into the clinic and go for the surgery portion of the program. I think I will say, no thank you. I beleive in me. I know I have what it takes to see this through.I can do this for the rest of my life.
No one ever said “Life is easy” because it’s not. It IS becoming habit. That makes it ALMOST easy.

Time to Fuel Up Mo!

Last week I met with my dietician for the first time. We talked about what I was hoping to achieve. That was easy.

  • I want to continue to lose weight
  • I do not want to take supplements so my diet needs to be balanced
  • I need more fuel on Mondays and Thursdays because I don’t get home until 8

We worked through a plan, and she was very helpful in keeping things realistic for me. We talked about what I will and won’t do in terms of prep. I know that sounds like I child having a tantrum, but I hate food prep with a passion! I know if it is too much prep that I hate to do, I just won’t do it after a while. So…. I guess being honest with myself is an important step.

Her suggestions have worked beautifully for me this week. My goal was to have improved energy for swimming and to equal out my hunger so I don’t feel the need to binge on my late days. It worked wonderfully!

This had me listening carefully to my body. Clean food makes me faster and stronger AND energized. I am seemingly off sugars. This makes me happy because I no longer crave them. I bought myself a glass water bottle and this makes a world of difference to me. I hate drinking water when all I can taste is plastic of metal. From my glass bottle drinking water was a snap! I had 10 – 10 8oz glasses today! it was easy, it tasted good! It was a far cry from choking down one glass in January. Baby steps my friends. I made a goal to drink one glass of water a day. When I perfected that, I upped it to 2. Now I did 10!!! YAY ME!

So, where does that leave me?

  • I have balanced out my food intake
  • I drink plenty of water
  • I limit my sugar intake
  • I have increased my vegetable intake
  • I decreased my starbucks coffee size

What is next? Well I have thought long and hard about this. I want pretty skin. I know pop is killer for my skin. I drink WAY TOO MUCH DIET COKE. So if you own stock, sell right now because my new goal is to eliminate diet coke from my diet. This will be my hardest challenge to date. Aspartame is addictive. It makes me crave sweet. This is my smart goal

Specific – I will limit my diet coke intake to weekends

My Own Goal – yes

Action – I will only drink it on weekends

Realistic – yes

Time I will do this for two week and reassess

Wish me luck. And don’t forget to sell your stocks. I am pretty competitive, so I am sure I will win.

Hey Mo, Pass Me a Tissue

Mo and I walked into the clinic today and I met my NP. Her energy amazed me. I immediately found her to be comforting, not in a fake I’m done my job way, but a real and genuine mean what I say kind of way. I liked her right off the bat.

I sat in her office, admired her Mac, and away we went. I did notice I wasn’t my usual self. Cautious maybe. She asked me questions. If anyone else asked me those same questions, my shields would be up and I could answer them honestly and WITHOUT emotion. With her, I answered them honestly but FILLED with emotion. I could not believe how it made me want to cry. I held back a little, but when I reached my car it was a full on sob. Not even sure why I was crying, it just came out.

I shared with her a little bit of my inner journey and my Edmonton Tourist Blog. I knew about the book Women Food and God. I have read it and I think I need to read it again. I She read me an article from O magazine about the book that made me cry because it’s all true. My issue with self isn’t about how I look or what I weigh. It hasn’t been that for a long time. I have accepted my self. I am what I am.

Then why am I here doing all this? I told her what I believe. My outside no longer matches my inside. They need to even up.

I did a depression screen. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I have fought through depression since I was a teen. My first marriage I was on Prozac, when I should have been not married in the first place. That would have saved a lot of heart ache and time. Should of, Could of, Would of.

I am being referred for a mental health screen. Then I will get hooked up for which ever services I need. I know how that works, I refer people all the time in my day job. It’s weird being on the other side. Maybe this will make me better at my job. It certainly won’t hurt.

I was told by a psychic bus driver today, I can take what ever is thrown at me and roll with it. Well, I am about to find out what I am made of. Facing inner demons and truths about yourself is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Here we go, Me and Mo.

Mo, get the Phone!

The phone rang today and it was for me and Mo. It was my Doc’s office. They said the Weightt Wise clinic had a two year waiting list so they have to do things differently now. I was assigned a Nurse Practitioner and a dietitian. I go and visit the NP January 26. She wants to talk to me about the beginning process. After 8-9 months of the preliminary work, I get to go to the Weight Wise Clinic.  I’m kind of excited.

Today at work, I am surrounded by supportive people who are in a food battle with themselves. We all want to resist sugar and be healthy. I found supporting my partner empowered me to support myself. I avoided the cookies today. Small step I know, but huge for me. We talked about how our mouths wanted the cookie but we really didn’t. I have a brass ring thought in my head that I try to visualize every time I want to put something in my mouth. I really want that brass ring. I can do this. So my first step today was no cookies. Tomorrow I will wake up and set a new goal. One goal every day. I can do This in baby steps.

Brass Ring….